Thursday, September 11, 2008

ammonites with super powers

About once a month I take a quick look at the search terms people use to find me online:

  • ammonite suits, ammonite powers

Ammonite as superhero, very cool.

  • what do ammonites taste like

They're made of stone.

  • what do ammonites eat

They're made of stone.

  • ammonite reconnection lyrics

Ammonites don't reconnect with lost family or ex-wives or their inner child because they're, y'know, made of stone.

  • swallowing stones quotes

But I guess you could still eat them.

  • as we walk under stars everything is becoming clearly so hard we try to make it work

Oof, this one makes me ache.

  • "is the pain very bad", "little book that could" cancer, a drug to make everything slower

I absolutely understand the need to slow down the world and savour the good parts. I even do my best to savour the bad parts because, hey, sometimes the bad parts of today feel like the good parts tomorrow.

  • what is reading?

This one feels like a koan. When I contemplated it my brain began to feel like the worm Ouroboros which, now I think about, looks a bit like an ammonite.

  • once upon a cat, burrowing wasps, flea circus Seattle, riding the pony

A search for once upon a cat gets 3,620,000 hits, riding the pony more than 7.29 million, and burrowing wasps 102,000. The animal connection is strong but puzzling.

  • I'm not scared by Nicola
Well, good for you.

  • nicola wonder woman

But perhaps you should be.

  • nicola porn

Oh, here we go

  • keltic porn, Hild porn, saxon porn, saxon porno, saxon pron, saxon prom

Dress, check. Sword, check. Corsage, check.

  • loud bang Bridlington 21 august

It was me, at the Saxon prom, clearly having more fun than I realised

  • contemplate navel, contemplate one's navel, contemplate your navel, fucking navel, navel fucking, fucking my gf at Whitby abbey

What to do after the prom at Bridlington

  • vertical fainting

I don't even know which way up this one goes. Though I did find out that there's something called suspension trauma which is very dangerous indeed. Basically, if you faint standing up (while in a confined space, or hanging from a climbing harness or something), you'll die. And I would never have known that without this query.

  • how many stories in a short story collection

Another koan. One that makes me want to reach out and hug all the puzzled people and say, it'll be alright, just get some sleep. Things will look better in the morning...

  • questions i should be asking my characters, questions to ask cost benefit analysis

These questions probably aren't too dissimilar: should I do this?

  • girls only world, woman lift me, winning is wonderful, the pursuit of happiness

Yay for the optimists!

  • naked blonde from Immingham

Well, oddly enough, I do have a story about that, but not one I'd share here. (And Immingham isn't far from Bridlington, which isn't that far from Whitby...)

  • laws of lesbian relationship involving 19 and 16 yr old

Whoever you are, I hope you're somewhere like England because once you're 16, no one cares, no one can hurt you. Just remember that.

  • not today josephine

Poor Josephine.

  • bare body tennis

Ow, ow, ow.

  • draw me crazy

I certainly will, especially if you play bare body tennis

  • blue place game

A board game, perhaps. Throw a six and everything slows down and you get to dart in and out of a crowd like a hummingbird among elephants. Throw less than six and Aud drops by for a little chat. What do you mean, not good odds. Wait, where are you going...?

  • magic moment ho ho wushu on sunday, soo bahk do porn

Your martial arts sound so much more jolly than mine ever were.

  • pictures of naked women in water with silk robes, slow under silk her wet, women with bullfrogs

I'm guessing that this kind of fetish springs from some primal trauma but from my perspective ignorance is bliss

  • what's a tazer bard look like?

Damn, I wish I could draw. I'd illustrate this post with Superammonite in a little cape, tazer bards, Saxons at the prom... The wacky intarweb is a wild, wild world. I'm glad of all those people who yearn and seek and search. May you all find.
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13 comments:

  1. .LAUGHING.

    Oh thank you for posting this today!
    I really needed to start off with a good laugh.

    .wiping tears from eyes.

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  2. Language creates and resolves all difficulties, with a good laugh along the way.

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  3. Thank you. :-)

    Now I can hop on the bus and ride the day knowing I'm truly one with the world.

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  4. janine, barbara, I'm delighted you found it amusing. I suppose it's a bit like reading the paper: you can start with the financial news or the funnies. On Sundays, I start with the funnies. M-F it's the Wall Street Journal *then* some giggling.

    karina, yep, it's a wide wide wide world.

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  5. I was just looking at the ammonite on my display shelf and thinking what wine would go with it for dinner hmmm......your post was so funny. Thanks!

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  6. linda, my pleasure. I know that for many 9/11 is a sombre day. I just wanted to lighten the load.

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  7. Nicola,

    Do you know how much your words do make such a difference for us who follow along a path of sorts with you?

    I spoke to an ALS group last night, got my children put "in place", as well as my 81 year old mother, expecting the approaching storm,found out that a dear friend of mine lost her life partner of 32years (not SS), and today is 9-11.

    And THEN I click on your"Ammonites with Super Powers" and just had to laugh-out loud. It was like taking a cleansing breath!

    You most certainly lightened my load...thank you.

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  8. I'm delighted I could help. I'm so sorry you had such a hard day.

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  9. loved it! by the way, the top searches on my blog today were "nicola" and "speed of dark" :)

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  10. Seems like some people don't know ammonites are extinct and think they're just another shellfish for dinner and aquarium visits...

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  11. I certainly support the future comic book of AMMONITE WOMAN!

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  12. I'm most intrigued by "questions i should be asking my characters." The poor questioner seems to need some backbone. They are her characters, after all....next thing you know, if she isn't careful, the characters will be wanting breakfast in bed.

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  13. Characters will walk all over you if you let them.

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