Wednesday, May 14, 2008

awesomer than that awesomest thing that ever did awesome!

I have one last question to go, about self-defense for couples, but I thought today we all deserved a bit of fun.

Last week I read a most wonderful blog post by Michelle Schwartz about The Blue Place. Here's an excerpt of a list she kept of Aud's incredible traits. Aud:

  1. Is a former member of the elite Red Dogs unit of the Atlanta Police Department.
  2. Has inherited a vast sum of money, leaving her wealthy enough to never work again.
  3. But that’s not who she is, so she keeps busy working as a bodyguard and private detective, charging exorbitant fees, driving expensive cars and wearing gorgeous suits because she’s worth it.
  4. Her mom is head of the Norwegian consulate to the United Kingdom, and has connections to everyone. Aud is thus a dual citizen with Norway and the UK, and seems to be a permanent resident in the US as well. She speaks Norwegian, English, and Spanish, and I’m sure many other languages that didn’t come up as part of this story. She seems to have been everywhere at least once and knows everything about everything. And I mean everything.
  5. She can drive stick.
  6. She is also a pool shark.
  7. She is six feet tall and much of the book is devoted to long passages extolling her exceptional muscle tone and piercing eyes.
  8. In her (seemingly endless amount of) spare time she:
  9. a) Teaches self-defense to rookie cops.
    b) Practices at keeping her black belt in some form of exceedingly difficult martial art.
    c) Lays sod, digs flowerbeds, and generally creates a garden paradise in her backyard.
    d) Does home renovations by herself that include building an entire deck and replacing the beams in her ceiling with antique wood.
    e) Expertly builds custom furniture by hand.
    f) Climbs glaciers specifically looking for deadly crevasses to peer into.
    g) Can seduce any woman she wants, just by existing in the same room.
  10. She has saved a skydiver from certain death by cutting the cords of her own parachute, plummeting to Earth like a rocket, grabbing the person with a faulty chute and holding on to them with her thighs, pulling her emergency chute with just seconds to spare.
  11. She looks great in evening gowns and combat gear, but spends a lot of time standing around, gloriously naked.
  12. She can hold her breath for minutes while remaining under freezing cold water.
  13. She can treat bullet wounds to her own back while suffering from hypothermia.
  14. She can drive any speed she wants without ever getting pulled over.
  15. She can kill people left and right and never get in trouble.
  16. She even makes her bed in the morning.
In conclusion, Aud is awesomer than that awesomest thing that ever did awesome. She is like Wonder Woman, Ripley, Sarah Connor, and a unicorn - all rolled into one hot package.

Michelle is funny. Go read her stuff. And while you do, sip on one of my new favourite cocktails, a James Bond:

James Bond Cocktail

  • French but not viciously expensive champagne
  • excellent vodka
  • angustura bitters
  • sugar cubes (the rough, brown kind)

Pour about .75 oz. of delicious, frozen-to-viscosity vodka (e.g. Grey Goose) into a champagne flute. Fill flute to about the three-quarters mark with chilled brut champagne (a good cremant, like Lucien Albrecht, also works, but do not, do *not*, use cava or sparkling American wine, tuh). Take sugar cube, hold with thumb over mouth of bitters bottle, tip for a 3-count. Turn sugar cube around, soak it for another 3-count on the other side. Drop cube into flute, serve. Aaah.

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